Oh deary me. Via @thirstforwine today on twitter I came across this song that ProWein – a huge “international…trade fair for the wine and spirits business” – has commissioned for the fair in 2014. It is possibly the worst song I have ever heard in my life. I really think ProWein should submit it for Eurovision 2014. The only way this song makes any sense is if the organisers believed that pairing cheese and wine extends beyond food. This is twice as cheesy as the oldest, runniest, stinkiest camembert you will ever taste. It makes Boney M seem philosophical, and Aqua look like classical composers. Another reason may be that ProWein believes this high-pitched, sing-song ballad will simply drive customers at the fair to drink, ensuring stall holders receive better business.
The lyrics are excruciating, like a sickly sweet rosé, drunk at 30 degrees Celsius, out of a hot tin mug:
When you play me a tune
It’s the best after june
‘Cause the late summertime
Has the ﬂavour of wine
With this taste in my mouth
Connects the east with the south
Heads the north to the west
And they all get the best
As long as you like a glass of wine
I will never regret that you are mine
As long as you like the smell of grapes
You will never forget the things to shape
As long as you go the extra mile
So long you will know in the nick of time
As long as you dream in red and white
So long it is perfectly alright
You can stay with me
As long as you like
I start closing my eyes
Then it cannot disguise
As mentioned previously
It’s so lovely to me
And when your life´s semi-sweet
you´re in the mood to compete
with the nations of wine
come rain or shine
If you’re caught in it’s spell
It’s like a sweet wishing well
We are here to remember on two count
First is reﬁning the taste
And to open the gate
For the best greet & meet to pronounce
*ears begin to bleed slowly.*
I swear to you that I am not making this shit up. I think the person who wrote the song prefers beer, or his only experience with wine has been watching soap opera actors handle massive over-sized glasses full of merlot, in front of roaring fires on very very fluffy carpets. Armed with this knowledge he wrote the song in German, went to Google translate, and put his lyrics through five languages before getting to the English version, and then finished it off with an online Rhyming dictionary.
I honestly have no fucking clue what is going on in this song.
If you want to laugh uncontrollably, and then maybe feel a little ill, you can listen to the song here. Please be careful.
To be fair, being able to sneak something as corporate as “as mentioned previously” into a ballad is rather impressive.