‘Kak en Lekker’ scale

I am not a big fan of wine ratings, stars, points, badges, medals, trophies or whatever, so I don’t use them at all on this blog. There are times however, when you are trying to convey how awesome, or fokken kak a wine is. Now instead of shouting, “It was so kak i’d say it was a 75-pointer!” Or, “I tasted a wonderful wine the other night. Yes, so good I’d say it was a double gold.” I give you the Kak en Lekker Scale of Wine

Fokken Kak

Broken, faulty, disgusting, even drunks and students turn their noses up.

Kak

Drunk happily by students and people with no sense of smell. Served at cheese and wines where the only cheese is Pick n’ Pay Cheddar. Not just cheap and nasty wines are Kak; pricey wines can have teeth shattering tannins, reflux causing acidity, and splinters-in-your -tongue oak, and that means they are Kak.

Lekker Kak

You swallow it without fighting or gagging, but it is forgettable. It’s as interesting as Top Billing and about as much fun as a school outing to a paper-clip factory – inconceivably boring, but at least you are not at school. Lekker kak wines can also be deceiving; they can at first taste be wondrous  but halfway through a bottle they become tiring, a drag to drink. If you can’t finish the bottle, then, I’m afraid, it’s Lekker Kak.

Lekker

You can finish a bottle yourself. There are different elements working in your nose and mouth. Effort has gone into this wine’s creation. You are not embarrassed when opening it at a dinner, and if your friends are used to Lekker Kak wines they will comment on how ‘lovely’ it is. Basically this wine has elements of complexity, deliciousness, balance, and interestingness, but it falls at that final hurdle. This is a very very crowded space.

Fokken Lekker

Baring your stained teeth to the world with pride, this is a wine that makes you smile. It is a Lekker wine, but well read, better looking, more wit and class, added flair and nuance; at its worst you happily sip away, at best you cradle it in your arms and whisper to it as you nurse it slowly to the end. It doesn’t have to be that complex, but it does have to be balanced. If you can’t finish a bottle, it’s not fokken lekker.

Kak Lekker

More complex than Boolean algebra, more layers than a Coetzee novel, with a colour that would make Rothko smile, all coming together with the balance and harmony of a Brahms symphony or a Tom Curran front-side barrel, a gobsmackingly orgasmically good wine.

Fokken Kak Lekker

Not sure if this is possible. I haven’t tasted one, but when I do I’ll probably shed a tear.